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by Michael Grose ©

Australia's No 1 parenting educator!

Ever had a child who keeps asking for a favour or a treat until they get the response they want?

These kids generally use one of two strategies. They may either nag or hound you until they get an affirmative or they will seek out an adult who will give them the answer they want.

The first method, which is based on persistence, is generally very effective to use with tired parents and sole parents who are more susceptible to this type of behaviour

“All right, have that ice cream. Anything for some peace and quiet” is a response that most people who have spent time around children are familiar with.

The second method is a little more devious but very effective and usually occurs in dual parent families.

You know the situation............................

A child’s request for a treat, favour or outing is turned down for good reason (‘No Jessica you can’t have an ice cream now. Wait until after dinner’) but the child goes to the other parent who may well give them the affirmative they are seeking.

A minor but very irritating event! 

These situations can drive parents crazy and are indicative of two people are operating on different parenting planes. If it happens every now and again then it is no big deal.

However if one parent is always granting a child his or her wishes without consultation or thought of how the other parent thinks or what they are doing then it is probably time to step back and reflect on how you can both work together.  If it happens frequently your child will learn how to play one parent off against the other or manipulate situations until they get what they want.

It sounds sinister, but it is not. It is just how we human beings tend to think and behave. Most of us learn intuitively who to ask at work for a favour and who will give you a negative response.

This type of parent manipulation occurs for many reasons.

Either it’s due to different standards of behaviour or thoughts about bringing up children or a lack of understanding about what has happened in a child’s day.

Find that backbone

Regardless of the reason it means that parents need to communicate between themselves and also get the message across to their child or children that it is taboo to keep seeking out a parent until they get the response they want.

Be firm when a child goes to another parent in search of a yes after they have received a knock back from another.

“Where did you get that ice cream from? I already said no.”

“Daddy said I could have it?”

“I am sorry but you should not go to daddy after I said, No.”

Defer to jellyfish partners

If your partner is a jellyfish and gives in all the time then consider deferring to them parent when kids ask something a little tricky.

“Okay Jessica, I’ll just check with dad and I’ll get back to you.”

This strategy can be a little wearing, even artificial, but it’s helpful to bring the other parent into the act and demonstrate that you are double act.

Most dual parents play good cop/bad cop where one is the hard-line disciplinarian and the other is the play director. That tends to be the way of family-life.

This is wearing on the bad cop, so it helps if you can swap roles occasionally (or even backbones) and give the other parent a break.

It's also important for parents to work together when kids are young so that you are on the same page when your kids move into the really challenging years of adolescence. That's when working together really pays off!

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Michael Grose is a leading parening educator, renowned author of seven parenting books and runs parenting seminars around Australia.  He is also the 'Body & Soul' Parenting columnist of the Herald Sun, reaching 6 million readers every Sunday!  For more information about Michael Grose plus great parenting advice and resources visit www.parentingideas.com.au . 

 

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by Michael Grose ©

Australia's No 1 parenting educator!

Build your parenting capacities.........

There’s one phrase that I makes me grimace every time I hear it.

“Parenting is the world’s hardest job..............................”

This is such a cliche and it's so misleading.

Yes, parents are on a steep learning curve and raising a child is a huge responsibility .........but that comment has negative connotations and overlooks the fact that........parenting contributes to our personal growth.

Kids take us into new ground as people. They require us to have personal capacities and skills that most of us, never thought we’d develop.

For instance:

• When impatient, task-oriented people have kids most discover a patient side that they never thought they had.
• Effective parenting requires you to think ahead, think of others and to bring others along with you. These great leadership capacities apply to any workplace.
• Discipline, confidence-building and family management require a range of communication skills that are found in customer service, counselling and negotiation disciplines.

You can build your parenting capacities in four ways:

1. Build your expert knowledge:  There’s a lot to know when you have kids. There’s no shortage of parenting information around on the Internet, but not all of it is ‘expert’. Knowledge that comes from a recognised, trusted parenting  source with runs on the board is important! 

2. Develop self-care strategies: I’ve been banging on about parents looking after themselves for a while now. I wrote about this that in my Body & Soul column (in News Ltd Sunday newspapers) last Sunday, which got a massive reaction. I’ve put it on my blog.

3. Build your support networks: People generally don’t parent well in isolation. Effective mums and dads are generally surrounded by a range of healthy people who can support them at different stages on the parenting journey.  These supports include family and friends, general practitioners, associations (e.g.Multiple births Associations) and child carers & schools.  Surround yourself with great people so you can get advice, ideas and just a break, when needed.

4. Build your parenting skills: Effective parents have a range of tools in their parenting toolkits. Some parents have them in-built from their parents, or they spent time bringing up a sibling which gives them quite a headstart.  On the other hand, you may have inherited outmoded skillsets from your parents (particularly around the important area of discipline) which don’t fit today’s requirements. 

The GOOD NEWS is that the skills you need to successfully meet many different parenting situations can be developed, practised and learned. You just need to have the right attitude to learning and improvement.

So my challenge for you is to see parenting as a personal growth activity and undertake to build your parenting capacities .................... so you can be a better parent and a better person, to boot!

“Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better."  Jim Rohn

 

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Michael Grose is a leading parening educator, renowned author of seven parenting books and runs parenting seminars around Australia.  He is also the 'Body & Soul' Parenting columnist of the Herald Sun, reaching 6 million readers every Sunday!  For more information about Michael Grose plus great parenting advice and resources visit www.parentingideas.com.au . 

 

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by Michael Grose ©

Australia's No 1 parenting educator!

It’s stating the obvious that boys and girls are different. One of the biggest differences is based around time and timing.

Get your head around this and you start to unravel the secret to successfully raising boys………and reduce some of the frustration you feel at times when you compare your son with your daughters, or other people’s daughters.

Here are three examples of how time and timing differs with boys, and how you can use this knowledge to your advantage:

1. Their maturity levels

Boys take longer to mature than girls. This is a source of great consternation in many families where the eldest is a boy preceded by a girl. If a boy’s sister is only a couple of years younger then there’s a good chance they are on a par academically and socially.

First borns boys like to have a competency gap between themselves and those that follow. A younger sister (or brother) who matures earlier can be a source of consternation leading many eldest boys to give up, or else they give their sister merry hell!  

Factor in their differing maturity rates when looking at boys’ school readiness, their transition to secondary school, and their move into adulthood.

2. What motivates them

Boys are more likely to live in the now than girls. A generalisation I know, but it’s true.
Teenage boys, in particular, live for the moment.

The trick is to use this knowledge to your advantage. For instance, avoid lecturing your teenager about how his current behaviour is going to impact on his adulthood. A 15 year-old can’t see life beyond next week let alone when he’s 25. So get into his timeframe when trying to motivate, dissuade or persuade him.

 For instance, you’re more likely to instil good sleep habits into boys if you point out that a good night’s sleep will help them play football/ guitar/surf/ pick up girls better than appealing to long-term health benefits.

3. Their ability to focus

Ever noticed how some boys will work at diminished capacity on things that are not important to them. This happens around schooling a lot. Give them a project that’s due in a week and they’ll amble along for six days and then focus like a laser beam the night before it’s due (often after a great deal of panic or a brief mental meltdown!)

One way to get boys to focus is shorten their deadlines. Give them two days, not two weeks to do something.  Even better shorten the deadline and give them a practical purpose (or a tangible reward if you can’t think of a good purpose) for doing something –  “hand this work in tomorrow and you’ll get five minutes of free play!”

Alternatively, if they drift along waiting until the last minute and then go into a mad panic, don’t sweat it. They may just be saving themselves for that big effort!

The best gifts to give a boy revolves around time.

Not just your time, although that is important, particularly for dads whose time boys crave. In fact, most boys crave some one-on-one time with their dads, as long as it’s done a way that’s relevant to their age.

But there’s two other time aspects to consider. First, make sure you give them the time they need to mature and develop.  Don’t expect them to be what you want them to be on your timing. Most boys take their time growing up.  It takes patience and time to grow a boy ....... sometimes decade or so.

The other aspect refers to communicating with boys.  Adults who do best with boys have a way of getting into their timeframe. They can talk with them about what interests them now, what’s important to them now, what’s grabbing their attention now. That’s relatively easy when your sons are under ten, but challenging when they are teenagers.

You have to be a little cunning to get into a teenage boy’s timeframe.  A parent who picks up a teenage boy from a party at midnight, just may have a better chance of getting into this timeframe and getting a window into what’s important than one who parents from a distance.
So time and timing are the keys!

Give boys time to mature, give them your time and get into their timeframe if you want to get on their wavelength.

 

 

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Michael Grose is a leading parening educator, renowned author of seven parenting books and runs parenting seminars around Australia.  He is also the 'Body & Soul' Parenting columnist of the Herald Sun, reaching 6 million readers every Sunday!  For more information about Michael Grose plus great parenting advice and resources visit www.parentingideas.com.au . 

 

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