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by Michael Grose ©

Australia's No 1 parenting educator!

Ever had a child who keeps asking for a favour or a treat until they get the response they want?

These kids generally use one of two strategies. They may either nag or hound you until they get an affirmative or they will seek out an adult who will give them the answer they want.

The first method, which is based on persistence, is generally very effective to use with tired parents and sole parents who are more susceptible to this type of behaviour

“All right, have that ice cream. Anything for some peace and quiet” is a response that most people who have spent time around children are familiar with.

The second method is a little more devious but very effective and usually occurs in dual parent families.

You know the situation............................

A child’s request for a treat, favour or outing is turned down for good reason (‘No Jessica you can’t have an ice cream now. Wait until after dinner’) but the child goes to the other parent who may well give them the affirmative they are seeking.

A minor but very irritating event! 

These situations can drive parents crazy and are indicative of two people are operating on different parenting planes. If it happens every now and again then it is no big deal.

However if one parent is always granting a child his or her wishes without consultation or thought of how the other parent thinks or what they are doing then it is probably time to step back and reflect on how you can both work together.  If it happens frequently your child will learn how to play one parent off against the other or manipulate situations until they get what they want.

It sounds sinister, but it is not. It is just how we human beings tend to think and behave. Most of us learn intuitively who to ask at work for a favour and who will give you a negative response.

This type of parent manipulation occurs for many reasons.

Either it’s due to different standards of behaviour or thoughts about bringing up children or a lack of understanding about what has happened in a child’s day.

Find that backbone

Regardless of the reason it means that parents need to communicate between themselves and also get the message across to their child or children that it is taboo to keep seeking out a parent until they get the response they want.

Be firm when a child goes to another parent in search of a yes after they have received a knock back from another.

“Where did you get that ice cream from? I already said no.”

“Daddy said I could have it?”

“I am sorry but you should not go to daddy after I said, No.”

Defer to jellyfish partners

If your partner is a jellyfish and gives in all the time then consider deferring to them parent when kids ask something a little tricky.

“Okay Jessica, I’ll just check with dad and I’ll get back to you.”

This strategy can be a little wearing, even artificial, but it’s helpful to bring the other parent into the act and demonstrate that you are double act.

Most dual parents play good cop/bad cop where one is the hard-line disciplinarian and the other is the play director. That tends to be the way of family-life.

This is wearing on the bad cop, so it helps if you can swap roles occasionally (or even backbones) and give the other parent a break.

It's also important for parents to work together when kids are young so that you are on the same page when your kids move into the really challenging years of adolescence. That's when working together really pays off!

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Michael Grose is a leading parening educator, renowned author of seven parenting books and runs parenting seminars around Australia.  He is also the 'Body & Soul' Parenting columnist of the Herald Sun, reaching 6 million readers every Sunday!  For more information about Michael Grose plus great parenting advice and resources visit www.parentingideas.com.au . 

 

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by Michael Grose ©

Australia's No 1 parenting educator!

What's with teens today?

Last week I took a phone call from a journalist from the South China Morning Post in Hong Kong, who wanted my opinion on the current state of play with teenagers in Australia. I’ve given him background information before so I was happy to help.

I gave him some essential tips about successfully raising teens, but more about that later.

He told me that there’s been an increase in the number of school suspensions of teenagers due to anti-social behaviour including: drug-taking, videoing of fighting and bullying behaviours, racism, and sexual activity at school.

He wanted to know if Australian schools were experiencing similar problems.

My initial response was that these types of behaviours, while relatively new to Hong Kong, are not so unusual here.

Schools for some time in Australia have had to develop strategies to deal with a range of behaviours that would quite frankly, shock the pants off people of past generations.

Parents and teachers in Hong Kong are now facing a similar set of circumstances that parents and teacher are experiencing in many western countries.

That is, teenagers today courtesy of modern media, the internet and other circumstances see things, know things and do things earlier than teens in the past.

And they are now growing up at the speed of light. Generational bracket-creep is a fact of life.

Everyone knows that forty is the new thirty for older generations.  Now eighteen is the new twenty-one, sixteen is the new eighteen and thirteen is the new fifteen for young people.

The journo was a little shocked. I could sense that he felt more than a little powerless . After all, he was a parent himself so his interest in the topic was both personal and professional.

So what do we do about young people? How should parents raise young people today?

Well, we don’t put our heads in the sand, cross our fingers and hope for the best when kids move into adolescence.  There is plenty of evidence that effective parenting makes a massive difference to young people’s outcomes, as does keeping young people connected and engaged at school.

Here’s a quick rundown of the main tips I gave this journalist for parenting 21st teenagers:

1.      Build relationships with young people. It’s a fact of life that having a decent relationship with your teenager will give you some leverage. That means you need to work hard to develop relationships with teenagers. Ideally these relationships have been developed in childhood, but if they haven’t it’s not too late. There are a number of things you can do. Check out Bringing out the Best in Teenagers for more information.

2.     Be their parent, not their friend. This may seem like a cliché but being their parent has real meaning. Be willing to set some boundaries rather than lower them, particularly around areas such as going out, parties and  the use of alcohol. In fact, it means saying no to alcohol, before the age of eighteen. More on this topic in my Blog.

3.     If you can’t stand the heat..........There’s a great deal of heat, not to mention hormones, involved in raising teens so you need to be willing to engage them in robust conversations, challenge their views and support them as they grow up. You need to enjoy the thrust and parry involved in raising a young person.

4.     Talk with other parents. Talking with parents of your young person’s friends is vital. Young people are highly connected through social media, and other communication technology, yet parents are frequently disconnected from each other and raise their kids in isolation. Teens tend to gang up on parents, saying things such as ‘everyone else is drinking at the party.’  ‘Is that right? I’ll just check that one out for myself’ needs to be your attitude. Check with other parents. Better still. Draw strength from other parents so you can set some limits on their behaviours.

5.     Attend to their mental health. Young people live with a type of pressure not experienced by  any other generation of teenagers. Increasingly, schools are attending to the emotional and social wellbeing of young people and their efforts need to supported by parents.  Get some ideas in my Unwinding ebook.

The challenge for parents is not merely to survive their young person’s adolescence (although that’s a worthy goal), or even to get their young person through high school unscathed.  These are no longer the end games for parenting teens. 

The real task is to prepare teenagers for the years between 18 and 25, because negotiating the next steps after school are becoming the trickiest years of all for teens. That’s why it’s doubly important that you stay in the parenting game with your teens so you can effectively guide them through the abundance of freedoms they face and myriad lifestyle choices that they are required to make. 

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Michael Grose is a leading parening educator, renowned author of seven parenting books and runs parenting seminars around Australia.  He is also the 'Body & Soul' Parenting columnist of the Herald Sun, reaching 6 million readers every Sunday!  For more information about Michael Grose plus great parenting advice and resources visit www.parentingideas.com.au . 

 

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By Marty Jonas, SchoolSelect.com.au

Like a repulsive monster, bullying takes on many ugly forms and its victims are often harassed socially, verbally, psychologically and physically. Bullying is a social problem that has been around since the dawn of time.

We’ve all been part of this scourge in one way or another, and each of us has been affected at different levels. Unfortunately this problem will never go away, however there are strategies that we can use to support bully victims and help them defeat this problem.

Bullying takes away the right for our children to feel safe and has the potential to negatively affect their learning, self esteem, confidence and emotional well being. It’s uninvited, oppressive and repetitive and should not be confused with bickering and childhood banter. If your child is being bullied there are many different approaches you can take to turn things around. Before we look at these strategies let’s get a better understanding of what bullying looks like...

The Social Bully: Social bullies are sly, sneaky, deceptive and ruthless. They often exclude their victims or spread rumours about them. They use social and public opportunities to undermine others and are increasingly using the Internet and social networks to bully others.

The Verbal Bully: Verbal bullies are shameless, proud and loud. They enjoy calling others names, using verbal insults and put downs. They also feel superior by threatening and taunting others.

The Psychological Bully: All forms of bullying are psychological, however in rare cases some bullies try to get into the mind of their victims.

The Physical Bully: Physical bullies are ruthless, violent and aggressive. They physically hurt others and use violence to undermine their targets. They also damage and steel the property and belongings of others.

While male bullies generally use physical and verbal assaults, females usually assert themselves by excluding others and spreading rumours. In recent times the Internet has given bullies a new tool to oppress and harass their victims. Chat rooms, emails, online video posting and social networks all lend themselves to cyber-bullying when used vindictively.

If your child is being bullied you may consider using the following strategies...

-Lend them an ear: Explain to your child that they need to talk to someone if they have a problem with a bully and assure them that talking about what is happening is not dobbing. Let your child vent their thoughts and talk about how they feel. Before resolving any issues, you need to empathise with your child and not dismiss their feelings or problems. Gather as much information about the situation as possible and do your best to get the full story.

-Get the school involved: It’s important to talk to your child’s teacher or principal if the bullying continues. Schools and teachers should not tolerate bullying and should react immediately if there is a problem. Stay in touch with your child’s teacher and ask them to explain the strategies they will be using to resolve the issue.

-Don’t take matters into your own hands: As a parent it’s your natural instinct to ‘defend’ your child. However, approaching the bully yourself is the worst thing you could do! This will only inflame the problem and cause further distress to your child. Don’t forget, being a bully yourself is not the answer.

-Help build relationships: Do everything in your power to help your child build and strengthen their friendships. Invite their friends over to your house or encourage your child to join a social or sporting club. This will build confidence in your child and may give them the peer support they need.  

-Teach practical strategies: Go through some simple conflict strategies with your child. Teach them to ‘stand up’ for themselves, to say ’no’ confidently  and to immediately walk away and report the incident to a person in authority.

-Protect them online: Take precautions with your child’s online identity. Make sure they are mature enough to join social networks or chat rooms and always reinforce cyber safety basics (e.g. password safety, only use first names, etc). If there is any evidence of cyber bullying report it immediately to the webmaster.

Hopefully these strategies will give you a few ideas on how to tackle the problem. If you have any other strategies or other opinions please let us know by leaving a comment below.